Sunday, April 30, 2017

fuck it

it's april 30. tomorrow is supposed to be commencement. this week i'm supposed to be packing and leaving miami as a college graduate.

i'm not.

i failed math. so i'm staying here to take it again over the summer.

i can't pay for it. nor can i pay for my apartment.

fuck it.

Thursday, October 13, 2016

it's worse?

i guess things are worse...i've kinda lost a good perspective on things.

but, when first confronted with suicidal thoughts, my response was, "why? there's no reason to."

it's been so long that now, when confronted with suicidal thoughts (which is every day, unfortunately), my response is "why haven't you? there's no reason not to."

somehow that strikes me as worse.

Thursday, September 15, 2016

back to this

i've been thinking about killing myself for the last few days.

Tuesday, August 2, 2016

PANIC! at the unix

i'm supposed to be studying for my unix final right now. the final is in two hours. i can't concentrate, i'm irritable, i'm angry, i'm exhausted, i'm anxious, i'm antsy. i'm sweating, even though it's cool in the house with the ac. i can't sit still.

this sucks, man.

Saturday, July 23, 2016

productive

today was pretty productive. i got some laundry done, i worked a bunch on my project, and i cleaned a good part of the room.

it just seems there's something missing, or something "off" about me today. like there's a sadness hiding around the corner. i don't know.

i'm continuing to make poor food choices. i need to work harder to get back in the groove and start losing weight again.

and now i'm done.

Tuesday, July 19, 2016

every day now is a struggle

and i'm honestly quite tired of it.

Monday, July 18, 2016

good and bad

had a pretty intense panic attack today. so much so that i skipped my afternoon class. that's bad.

recovered and worked on my project. that's good.

can't work long hours on my project. that's bad.

when i can work, i'm being productive. that's good.

these next couple of days are only going to get more difficult.